I am a busy person. A lot of it is my own doing, but nonetheless, I'm one of the busiest people that I know. Currently, I am traveling for work approximately every two weeks, I volunteer as an Athletic Trainer at the high school on base twice a week and for all home competitions, I am taking a college German class online while working toward a German language certificate, and I am on a planning committee building a professional page for the International Committee of the National Athletic Trainers' Association. That's just the "big stuff". Then there's the day to day stuff like laundry, taking care of my cat, cooking real food not from a box, and my incredible inability to be, what I consider, unproductive (meaning just watching TV/a movie or reading a book for the pure relaxation purpose of it). All of these activities make me happy, so I am not complaining, but in a long car ride the other day (for work, of course), one of my friends asked me, "so, what do you do for your personal time?" I thought about it briefly and honestly answered, "well, that pretty much is what I do because it constitutes things that I enjoy".
That statement is 100% true, but the past 5 or so days (really more like 3 weeks) have made me wonder if that's really "enough".
A couple weeks ago I was walking around a city in Germany with a friend of mine. We'll call him Speedy (he's a professional athlete and is really fast). As we were walking, I asked him what his plans are for when he retires from the sport eventually. He plans on using his degree on a part-time basis, and basically just relaxing otherwise. He has the financial means to do so, and technically doesn't have to work to survive. I will admit that when he said that, my soul was jealous. I wasn't jealous of any financial freedom that he has - I'm happy for him that he has that blessing. My soul was jealous of his ability to just "be". This is also a guy who, in between practicing and going to games or on an off day, can easily just read a book and nap and be ok with it. I, however, cannot relax enough to take a nap unless I have had a cumulative lack of sleep over several days or am recovering from jet lag.
I'm starting to reveal to myself that my soul is getting tired. I'm viewing the world in a different light lately and wondering what "personal time" should really be for me.
Don't get me wrong, I really do love the activities that I'm involved in because they mean something to me. But, a lot of times I feel like I am loading all of these things on my plate because I'm still trying to figure out my definition for myself. I admire people like Speedy who are perfectly fine with letting life flow by and not have the feeling that they have to do something for any particular reason in the grand scheme of things.
I'm working on getting to that point, although I will likely never completely be that person. I accept that I am type A, but I'm working on getting the A++ down to just a flat A personality. It's not easy, and it's slow going, but I'm getting there. These past 6-8 months have been a period of huge personal and spiritual growth for me, and I'm not finished yet. There are a lot of definitions in my life that I am re-defining, and it takes time and patience.
So, with that, as I draw to a close for this entry, I am publicly "announcing" that I will be reading a book while I prepare to fall asleep after I post this. Maybe there's hope for me yet...
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