Singledom

Lately I've had several people (mainly males, but also a couple females) be openly shocked about the fact that I am single. While I am flattered by their sentiments, it really comes as no surprise to me as to why I am single. Let me explain...

I have OCS (Only Child Syndrome) in many ways. This is amplified by the fact that I come from a single parent household. I am therefore, what I believe to be, overly independent. I have the ability to completely engulf myself in my own world because I don't need, nor have I ever relied on, anyone else to help me do my dirty work. In fact, I usually end up getting frustrated when people try.

I am also overtly opinionated, often with a minimum dose of being apologetic for my viewpoints. Working with the military I have learned to keep my mouth shut a little more and be "politically correct" when necessary, but that doesn't mean that I stand by the wayside when I believe that something is wrong or needs to be changed. Just ask some of the people that I've worked with...And, for some reason, a lot of guys don't find that to be an attractive quality.

When I think someone is attractive, I am not very good at letting them know. I tend to avert eye contact as if I were still in fifth grade because deep down, I'm afraid that he might actually come over and talk to me. On the same note, I can easily flirt with someone by talking to them but have absolutely no interest in them. I'm also pretty good at finding viable (to me, at least) reasons why it wouldn't work out with someone, often over trivial things, and cutting off my interest in them fairly quickly. This is compounded by the fact that I have no interest in dating to just date. I actually loathe dating. Unfortunately it's often one of those necessary steps to getting into a relationship, which is ultimately what I want. That being said, if there is not some sort of instant connection that can hold up for at least 10-20 minutes (which can be difficult to achieve in my world), that guy likely stands little to no chance of going anywhere with me as a date.

I have also been told that I intimidate guys. I've heard lots of different reasons for this, but my favorite is because I'm so attractive that guys automatically assume that I'm with someone and stay away. I find that to be quite ironic.

And, of course, I currently live in a country where the men are primarily of the "caucasian persuasion" and I have an affinity for brown skin. That makes my physical attraction to the everyday people that I meet fairly minimal.

Don't take this writing as me downing myself and/or looking for positive encouragement in the "dating scene". That is not at all why I write this. The fact of the matter is that I know I have a lot to offer a guy if he were to come along. That being said, I have a hard time finding someone who can put up with me. I am not always easy to put up with - even I have a hard time dealing with myself all the time. Some of the actions that I stated above are done consciously, some a little more unconscious, but I know that I do them.

Part of me has the feeling that I will forever be single, which has it's good and bad points. Especially living in Europe, that means that I am able to fly off to somewhere else in the world without a second thought of someone else coming with and their schedule or who I might meet while I'm there. It also means that sometimes I feel like I am missing a partner in crime to share all those experiences with. There are pros and cons to each side.

That's not to say I'm not hopeful that one day I'll find someone who isn't intimidated by me and can put up with me for long periods of time. I just don't know for sure that it will, in fact, happen. In the meantime, I'm happy with me, myself, and I, and when I get a little lonely (which happens), I just hug a teddy bear or one of my cats and move on with my life (or occasionally eat an exorbitant amount of sugar). Life will continue on whether I'm single or not, so I might as well enjoy it.