A blog of vulnerability

Let's face it, people don't like to publicly point out their flaws and weaknesses to the world, but we tend to mull over them when we are by ourselves, especially women. In today's world, particularly in American society, weaknesses, emotions, vulnerability are all seen as undesired traits that should be hidden away, not flaunted. And I do agree that if we all went around moping about all of our flaws during every moment of the day, the world would be an incredibly miserable place. However, we do need to accept that we are flawed creatures and that it's ok.

This past month has been an emotional struggle for me for reasons that I'm not going to go into. Suffice it to say, however, that I have been faced with the realization of the power that my weaknesses, emotions, and vulnerabilities can have over me. However, this is not a call for people to boost my ego with, "oh, you're great" and "we still love you" sentiments. I get that, and thanks in advance. But, I want to be real with everyone about who I am.

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." - Steve Furtick

We all work really hard to edit our highlight reel so that it makes us look like superstars. I am no different. But, here's some reality. I'm not a superstar, I just play one on TV. So, here goes nothing. I'm going to publicly point out some of the major flaws that I have...

- I constantly struggle with my body image and have an amazing ability to find absolutely every flaw when I look in the mirror. I also have to make a conscious effort not to have an eating disorder (which will surprise most people who have ever seen me eat) because of the body dismorphia that I have. In all reality, I generally don't like my body and am regularly either avoiding mirrors, especially if I'm having a bad day, and constantly questioning myself when I look at things like a Victoria's Secret catalogue (which I will avoid like the plague).

- I am a Type A+ perfectionist in part because I don't like myself a lot of days. If my room is messy, I feel like I a horrible person. If I take a relaxing day or weekend at home, especially on a beautiful sunny day, I feel like I am a failure of life's adventures and will literally despise myself for the next 12-24 hours because of it. If I get lost with someone else in the car or when someone is waiting on me, I might as well just hand over my driver's license because I don't deserve to be on the road. If I fail at understanding someone in German, I am a loser who can't even figure out a foreign language of the country I live in.

- I am an over-thinker. If you tell me that the sky is blue, I will analyze that statement for the rest of the day, mull it over in my head, sleep on it, and then get depressed because I can't figure out why it's blue and what I can do to work with that fact. My brain is like that 2-year-old playing the "Why?" game with mom, and when I can't understand or get the answer, then it plays the "What if?" game. Unfortunately, I am often the lone player in this game, and I can have quite the imagination, in turn leading to irrational thoughts, justifications, and explanations of ordinarily simple things.

- I am constantly expecting people to disappoint me and walk away when life's challenges take us through difficult measures because it's just easier to leave than to confront the problem. Because of this, I will avoid fights or confrontation with those that I care the most about because, in my head, one fight and that's it. I am generally willing to work out differences and work towards a stronger relationship, but I assume that the other party is not, and if we get in to a fight, that will be the end.

A lot of it comes down to the simple reality that often times I just don't think I'm good enough. Yes, I do have moments of being proud of myself and looking at my life and realizing how awesome it is, but I also have a lot of moments of disappointing myself. I've struggled with depression in the past, even going on anti-depressants for a few months when I was a senior in high school. I saw a counselor for many years as a young child and teenager and was the kid that was always struggling to figure out where I fit in and that the other kids picked on growing up. Even to this day, if I am in a group of my childhood peers, I still feel uncomfortable and insignificant.

So, why am I pointing out all of these flaws? Well, for one, it's incredibly therapeutic, so thanks to all of you for being my counselors for a few minutes. Also, because sometimes it's good to make ourselves vulnerable. It can build character and allow us as individuals to realize that life will always give us struggles, but we have to deal with them in either a beneficial or detrimental way. Everyone struggles with something - everyone -  and sometimes it's just nice to have someone to sympathize with, even if that person isn't with us in person. Plus, sometimes it helps us to feel better to see other people struggling. (And if you just got upset at that notion, you're not being very honest with yourself...) It's even a German word - Schadenfreude.

So, with all of that being said, I am still happy in life and you don't need to worry about any tendencies of ill-will against myself or that I'm sitting in my room balling my eyes out. Is it a constant struggle? Absolu-freakin-lutely. But, it could be worse. And at least I recognize my flaws so that I can continually work on bettering myself. If we as humans are not seeking self-improvement, we just end up going in a circle, and personally, I get dizzy and nauseated when that happens. And cranky. And no one wants to see me cranky.

Hopefully people reading this will take away some lessons for themselves. Life is hard, and sometimes it sucks, but overall it can be pretty great. We just need to remind ourselves that our flaws are part of what makes life interesting. If we were all perfect, we'd all be pretty bored, too.