The last 72 hours of my life have not been quite what I would have expected them to be. During that time, I have hurt someone that I care deeply about, I have scared myself, I have cried (multiple times), I have confided, I have apologized, I have asked for help, I have read a third of a new book, I have been on two different flights, and I am now on a completely different continent.
Two days ago, I was brought to the harsh realization that I have anger issues. Not just the, "go take a breather and come back in a few minutes" kind of issues. No, these are issues that are so deep-seeded in me that I don't know where they are coming from and I didn't even realize that they existed until I was called out on it after literally exploding for a reason so trivial that even I can hardly believe that it happened. I reached a breaking point, but unfortunately, and to my deep angst and embarrassment, I caused a lot of pain to someone that didn't deserve any of it. It was at that point that I admitted that maybe it isn't just the "Italian temper" in me. I've got serious issues that I need to get a hold of unless I want to continue to spiral out of control.
I walked into the counseling center on post yesterday to set up some sessions, and during the initial intake, among other things, I was asked if I had ever violently acted out my anger, i.e. punching a wall or throwing a cell phone. And then, like a opening up of my brain, I flashed on every significant moment that I could think of where something like that had happened. Some of the flashes dated back to high school, and as I think about it now, even elementary school. My immediate thought when this happened was, "Oh my God, why am I so angry?" This wasn't in the prayerful or repentant voice saying it, it was the "holy shit" realization of a part of my life that I never even knew existed. I was flabbergasted.
Then I hopped on the train to head to the airport to fly to Burundi, Africa. And, that is where I currently am writing this blog entry under the protection of a mosquito net hanging over my bed (which, if you've never experienced this, feels like a really high-class, fancy schmancy fort for adults).
The details for today are fairly boring - lots of sitting, flying, trying to sleep on planes, trying new foods, planning, meeting new people, having off the wall theological, political, and other discussions, and hoping to get some rest. Tomorrow will likely be a quiet day as well, for the most part, although I will be attending church services where some of the leaders of our group will be preaching.
So, what the hell do these two major experiences of the last 72 hours have in common? On the surface, very little. But, I am a true believer that God does not make coincidences happen, we just think that the timing is circumstantial. I think that the timing of my break down and the timing of this trip have a lot to do with each other, even if I'm not totally sure what that ultimately is right now. I'm hoping that a lot of the things that I feel lost about in my life right now will begin to be worked through on this trip. I m also hoping that those that I have hurt through my anger, both recent and in the past, will either find the strength to forgive me or continue to give me the grace of forgiveness that they have already blessed me with.
I am excited for this coming week in Burundi and will do my best to update this blog regularly. I tried to upload photos tonight, but the connection is intermittent and slow, and I would rather get some sleep than wait for the pictures to load, so I will try again in my next post.
Until then, thank you all, whether I know you reading this blog or not, for supporting me, loving me, and believing in me, even when sometimes I don't. God bless.
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